Conversation with my bottom

To: Pink
Subj: Scheduling Conflicts with Hand and Cane

Dear Pink,

Due to an unfortunate lack of planning, this bottom was somehow double-booked on Sunday. I had hoped for a nice brunch with the Hand, but since it was not set out clearly on the schedule (ahem), there arrived two implements to greet me instead.

Yes, the Hand was present for this informal gathering; thank you kindly for inviting him. But in short order, there arrived the Cane, hoping to feast on the remaining bounty of Sunday brunch.

Being the gracious hostess that I am, I greeted the Cane with a smile and a polite hand shake (a true sign of sophistication in times that could otherwise be uncomfortable) but quickly regretted my decision to include him as the relaxed conversation grew somewhat terse.

The Cane and the Hand have little in common, you see, and maintaining the conversation between them is fraught with peril, even for a well-versed and engaging bottom such as I.

With regard to your earlier verdict that Sundays shall be kept for “spontaneous pursuits”, this bottom wholeheartedly objects. In order to avoid future double-booking, and the inevitable discomfort that follows, I respectfully request that all plans be penciled in on my calendar for approval.

Please contact me if you have any questions about this matter. I can be found in the usual place.


Your bottom

To: Bottom
Subj: Re: Scheduling conflicts with Hand and Cane

Dearest Bottom ,

In regards to your memo of yesterday, I would apologize were it not for the raging success of Sunday’s brunch. Perhaps if I illustrate for you all of the positive points, you will view our spontaneous endeavors differently.

The brief but thorough one-on-one discussion with Hand before Cane’s arrival was quite illuminating. Not only is he a deep admirer of your enthusiasm and input, he also loves to spend any time with you that he can, regardless of any intrusions by other implements. Perhaps it is the way you blush under his tutelage. Or maybe it is your bounce and jiggle as you and he parry back and forth. Whatever it is, your relationship is well founded and another productive meeting is imminent.

On the matter of Cane, I cannot say that it was a complete surprise — were you really so shocked at his arrival? We’ve expected his presence for quite some time and the day of reckoning was inevitable.

Did you not quiver when you finally met? Did you not enjoy Cane’s slicing wit combined with his cool admiration of your thoughtful responses? From his report, you bloomed under his slow and steady care, a student eager to learn his teachings. I know that first meetings can be uncomfortable and tainted with the unknown, but I assure you that it was Cane’s intention to ease you into the relationship and not overburden you with too much information.

And judging from the report in the mirror later that same evening, the joining of you, Hand and Cane had no long-lasting effects, but rather you, my bottom, had a contented and happy glow that sustained you through to the morning.

I would say that you acted as a successful intermediary and were unnecessarily concerned with the blending of both implements as Hand and Cane got along famously. So well, in fact, that Cane has requested Hand’s presence on all future undertakings.

I predict a long and fruitful relationship that may produce some of your best work (a portfolio not to be underestimated). I am quite pleased, as usual, by the outcome and your performance.

It was a job well done, dear bottom, a job that recommends future spontaneous endeavors. If you cannot take the word of Hand, Cane, or myself, please feel free to consult with Pussy as she has valuable input that should not be ignored.

Warmest regards,


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